Denny has gone up North again this weekend to see his family. Since his Mom got sick, he does this every weekend. He'll be back Sunday at some point.

Before Denny left for the weekend, he got us all subs and stuff for dinner tonight. So, I've eaten a roasted chicken sub with cheese and tons of pepper, just the way I like it, and am currently drinking an Iced Cappuccino.

I pulled a muscle in my left shoulder leaning over to turn on my TV today. Every time I move, my shoulder SCREAMS! I think I'm really fucked up this time. BUT! I'm not going to give into the stupid thing! I just moan and groan ever time I move.

Both the Rent Check and Jim's Bankruptcy Payment Check for this month have cleared.

The rest of the bills for this month have cleared.

Denny should be able to pay the Gas bill and the House Line Phone bills next week, on the 11th. As well as getting some more food for all of us.

I will put in the request for my Money Transfer from Paypal to my Bank, on Monday to be ready for my First Bankruptcy Meeting on Friday, the 18th at 10am in the morning.

Hethkar will have been in the Navy for 2 years, I think so at least, on Monday the 7th.

Blaze's 24th birthday is on Tuesday the 8th.

My Mom's birthday is on Wednesday the 9th.

The New Episodes of One Tree Hill, Season 6, don't come out until September. Boo.

I must see Mamma Mia! (2008). Every time the ads come on my TV, I scream, wiggle, giggle, and flail like an idiot!

I have a slight headache from the heat. I need to take Tylenol and get many cold drinks.

I love playing with my Webkinz, Neopets, and Facebook pokey puppy!

I hope to be on Second Life at some point tonight, after my headache goes away. I miss Second Life.

I miss reading the Harry Potter series with Oz over Skype too. We're still on Book 4, and need to finish reading the books, so we can watch the movies in October.

After getting back from my Gage Homework / Exposure Therapy with Linda yesterday, I could not get my brain to shut off enough to let me take a nap. So, even though I had only 4 or so hours sleep before I got up at 10am, after I got home, I ended up staying awake until nearly 3am this morning. Aside from passing out in my chair at my desk for about 20 minutes around 6PM while waiting for Hethkar's plane to land, bringing him back to work in Norfolk. It's amazing how much better I felt after that 20 minute nap yesterday - especially since I like, passed out in my chair for the time. But, like I said, after that I ended up being awake until something dumb like 3am this morning. WTF is that, seriously? *stabs her sleeping disorders into a violent bloody death*

I finally passed out around 4am - after watching Melrose Place, which is back on in reruns, and feeding my Neopets, Webkinz, and My Facebook Pokey Puppy, Coco, as well as Lisa's, since Lissa is away until Sunday. Lisa's Facebook Pokey Puppy is named Gorgeous. Aka Georgie.

I got up around 5:30PM - even though I had been awake for almost 2 hours. Jim had the bedroom door closed, and his headset on blaring his music, so it took him forever to hear me calling. I nearly wet the bed in that time, but was able to hold it, and got up. My lateness pissed me off and frustrated me though, as well as worried Heth, who had left me an offline IM on AIM. But, after explaining the reasons behind why I was late, and calming down, things were good. <3

Laura was supposed to be home from her Great-Grandmother's on Thursday. I THINK. Home on Thursday until Sunday or something. But, I can't remember clearly at the moment. But, expecting her on Thursday evening, which was yesterday of course< I left her an offline IM on her AIM before I left for Homework in the morning. She's still not home tonight, yet - buT I'm sure she's fine. She has alot of Real Family and Friends real close by and they randomly drop over often. Add to that her hectic schedule of helping her Great-Grandmother, as while as being the High Queen of Multi-Tasking even when she's "free" - babygirl ALWAYS has SOMETHING going on. <3

Jim had his Last Bankruptcy Meeting today. And his last PAYMENT for it is dated on the end of September. So, by October of this year, that $170.00 will be back in our bank account. Totally a good thing.

As I mentioned yesterday, MY First Bankruptcy Meeting was moved to Friday July 18th at 10am. Jim's Mom will be driving us, and of course, Jim will be coming with me. Unfortunately, the lawyer, Pat, reminded Jim to tell me that for the meeting I will need to make an initial payment of $250.00 to start it. I do not have that amount of money. Period. I'm straight up fucked.

Denny, Jim's and my other roommate, had a hugely bad day at work today. Fighting with his partner, AND his boss. Denny NEEDED to go up North to see his family and Mom Had PLANNED to, tonight until Sunday night. Nola, his Mom, is quickly going down hill and her doctors have only given her a few more weeks to live. But, today, his boss fought Denny on giving him tomorrow off. They fought, but finished the day. Denny then called his boss and left him a long, urgent message on his house phone, and left about an hour ago to go up to his parents. But, now all 3 of us are worried about if his boss will be a dick and fire Denny on Monday.

We got the Gas bill and the House Phone bill paid for this month last week. Late, but they ARE paid for this month. But, we are running out of food, and badly need a food shop. Because Denny makes decent money at his job as A Landscaper, in addition to his few personal bills, he also pays for the Gas Bill, the Main Phone line, and Food for all three of us. Jim and I pay EVERYTHING else, since our Monthly Disability Pension Check is still joined until I get into my own Housing.

Tomorrow, June 21, marks the fact that it has been 2 years since Jim and I broke up. We are still living together. Still sharing our Money. Still sharing a room. Still sharing a bed. Except for my daily HOUR of Attendant Care, he still does all my Care. We do the best we can, given circumstances, but it is becoming increasingly awkward. Especially given other circumstances, on both sides. But we do what we have to do. It's amazing what you can put up with when given no choice. *eye roll*

*stress stress stress*

*unknown unknown unknown*

*sick sick sick*

*feels out of control*

*feels useless and worthless*

*feels like a burden*

*feels like poison to everything and everyone she encounters*

*needs to cry and flip out as an outlet, but can't*

*no energy or motivation*

*just wants to be better and happier again*


Thanks again to Zhaar for helping me with my Fire Fox Browser issues last night.

Thank gods that August and October are coming up SOON.

Please keep praying for both Melissa and Denny's Mom, Nola. <3

Since Jim has one of his last Bankruptcy Meetings this Friday at 10am in the morning, he called the lawyer, who's name is Pat, and just scheduled my FIRST meeting for the same day at 10:30am.

Jim says his will only take about 10 minutes. I THINK his payments and stuff end in August, so at least that allotted $170 goes back into our bank account then.

He says mine will take about half an hour. This will be my FIRST meeting/

Same lawyer, in the same building. In Sutton, which is as close as Newmarket, just in the other direction.

I post again about it after the meeting on Friday, when I have more details and stuff on what I'm supposed to do and how all this Bankruptcy stuff works. Jim pretty much knows all the details, including that my monthly payments will be the same $170 as his were.

So, we won't lose any money.

But, I want to get the details from Pat, too, to double check. So, I'll post about it on Friday after my meeting, and after my probably much-needed nap after it too.

I'm so beyond stressed out, anxious, nervous, worried, paranoid and everything right that it's not even funny. With everything going on in my world currently, I've alternated my days with crying and throwing up.

And, after I was in bed, I woke up in the middle of a big seizure at 6am this morning. I don't remember it, but Jim says it was pretty bad - I woke him up with my hyperventilating noise I make, my body was all tense, and apparently I was actually shaking a bit during this one.

And, holy crap, did my head hurt and I had one hell of a "seizure hangover" when I came out of it. Dizziness, memory blanks, dazed, headache.

Thankfully, I slept most of the effects off before I got up at 1pm today.

I had not had a seizure in a few months, so I guess I was due for a bad one, like the one this morning, but holy crap.

Now this first Bankruptcy Meeting on Friday morning.

Wish me luck.

Yes, the below entry is as clear-headed as I could get my thought processes at the moment. I suspect that I have indeed FINALLY snapped any pretense of sanity that I used to have.

Or it's just the heat combined with everything else - either way, this is as clear an entry as I can manage right now. The Drama and Fights mention is NOT about any ONE specific person, or directed to anyone particular - I just seem to be a magnet for such things the last few weeks, and no matter who it involves, Sidi has seemed to finally found her voice to defend herself. *grins*

Besides, no matter who I may have any amount of tension with, family or friends, IRL or online, tension and fights are usually settled quite quickly, and usually give us the power to become stronger when it's over. No relationship is "puppies and rainbows all the time, and releasing tension and anger is a part of any life. And, if done right, can even be healthy. <3

My apologizes, but the above sentiment was the last of my coherence for awhile!


Heat Heart Heat Heat Humidity Humidity Humidity Faint Faint Faint Faint OMG The Heat!

Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress!

Drama Drama Drama Drama Drama Drama Drama Drama!

Fights Fights Fights Fights Fights Fights!

IT NEEDS TO BE AUGUST

IT NEEDS TO BE SEPTEMBER

IT NEEDS TO BE OCTOBER

IT NEEDS TO BE COOLER

Broke Broke Broke Broke Broke Broke Broke Broke Broke!

Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry!

THIRSTY AS FUCK!

I HATE BEING SICK AND SORE ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Housing Housing Housing Housing Housing NOW!

Denny's Mom and Melissa have to get better! I demand it!

I just drank two big bottles of V8 Juice.

I JUST HAD A FULL TUB BATH AND WASHED MY HAIR TWICE AND SCRUBBED MYSELF RAW! OMG! YAY!!

Theresa soaked my T-Shirt for me before putting it on to keep me cool!

Crunch N Munch Peanut-Popcorn stuff kicks fucking ass!

On April 19th, if you remember, he Ontario March of Dimes called, to do my 6 month update my Housing Waiting List applications for the areas of :

Oshawa
Whitby
Ajax
York (Toronto)
Newmarket
and here - Keeswick, Richmond Hill, Markham

It took about 10 minutes and went well - but all the buildings I requested placement in are still at full capacity right now. But, she promised to keep me informed. It was nice to find out that I'm still on the lists and in the loop and stuff.

Well, the SAME woman called JUST NOW. She was still doing update checks for everyone on file, and completely forgot she did my update in April. So, we did it again, spending more time, with more in depth information.


I told her about all the Regional Attendant Care bullshit, and that even though I have Preferred Health Care coming in every day, other then that my care is COMPLETELY on JIM - even after not being together for 2 years.

2 years exactly on June 21st, actually.

Point being that it is NOT his responsibility anymore AT ALL.

Frankly, it was never, ever meant to be a "responsibly" or an "obligation" or a "job" or any other such term in the first place, I am a PERSON. A LIVING, BREATHING FEELING WOMAN .

My physical and emotional needs may make me unique, and may indeed cause me to need special needs and attention, but they do NOT take a way who I AM. Or who I WILL be.

I laid out my basic physical needs - dressing, toileting, bathing, personal care, transfers to chairs / my bed and such, help with house-keeping, vacuuming, laundry, etc, etc, etc.

I leaned on the fact that HERE is not accessible, stressful emotionally and physically for both Jim and I, and I don't have and Life Control here.

All the places I'm waiting on are still available, but no vacancies YET - BUT are ALL FULL personal apartments, fully attended, and geared to income

She said it was great info, and AS SOON AS one place opens up in ANY of the areas I applied to, she'll call me and set up an interview.

Fingers and toes crossed that a unit becomes available ASAP, guys, OMFG, you have NO idea just how MUCH I NEED this!

* Mood: hopeful
* Music:Angry White Boy Polka - Weird Al